My Stubborn Pride & Retracting Lady Balls.

September 15, 2013

Sometimes I don't think this book is going to be what everyone expected. Sometime I don't think this is the story, the right time, or the place to start. I feel like this book is going to be some trashy read or some digital paperweight.


Everyone keeps telling me that I have to start somewhere. That I'm selling myself short or that I'm a really good writer. Being a good writer these days doesn’t really mean you’re going to go far. My aunt recommended that I talk to one of her associates that are already published. It seems like the more I dig into this world of DIY Publishing the more I find that I’m very much not alone even within my circle of friends I have come in contact with three people in some stage of the process.


When I talked to this associate of my aunts she informed me about writing groups I could go to for help with editing. She talked about paying editors to read and edit the book for $4-$10 a page. In total she spent $4K getting her book published and out there. I haven’t gone to the doctor in two years because I can’t afford the co-pay on my freaking health insurance. Where the hell am I going to get a fundamental $4k to spend on this project?!?!


The orignal plan was to publish this book as an e-book. To give amazon 30% of my profit. To not spend that much money on this book. I mean I've been working on my own cover artwork, working on my own plan for advertising, running around finding different people to read this book and edit it. The last thing on my mind is dropping $4k on this book. But what if I have too?


This is no reflection on what I think my work is. This is no representation that this book is awful. Simply put this is a reflection and representation of my wallet and bank account both of which are looking at me with a big fat ‘Not Happening.’ One of my own friends suggested putting an ad on craigslist offering $100 to $200 dollars for an editor. He suggested that I put in the time to talk to publishing companies and push the book out there for someone to pick up.


First off let me tell you about my stubborn mind set on editing, in college, I wrote a 65 page paper. I spent all semester editing it myself, handing it to friends for editing as well, I rewrote it and rewrote it until I could freaking recite the damn thing and turned it in for an A. That was FUCKING FREE! This is why it’s so hard for me to want to pay for something I been doing for a long fucking time. Urg Editing is going to be the downfall of this project I just know it. And its because I’m being stubborn! 


I know every good writer needs to have an editor. I know that every writer needs another pair of eyes on their work. I know that if you want people’s time you have to pay for it and YES I know that I am not a perfect machine that spews out prefect grammar and diction. But got damn it that doesn’t mean I’m not frustrated with this freaking part of the project. So while I will probably start putting my pennies aside to pay someone to actually edit this book I will do it with a frustrated grin on my face. 


I know that being in the writing business means that you have to overcome a lot of fears and not let the "what ifs" get to you. To be a writer you have to be strong and confident about your work and believe in it no matter what. To be a writer for me has always been about entertaining. It's always been about a story that I thought needed to be told. I thinks it's about being real and making characters that are not always going to be liked. Trust me when I say that this world is full of happy endings and misfortune. We all have problems and we all deal with them by taking it one step at a time. Some of us have that luck of the draw, others don't.


When I come to a tough choice I always think about flipping a coin. It basic, its first grade stuff but it works! The moment your coin is up in the air you instantly know what you want. You know without doubts what you’re hoping for and it is with that baited breath that you get clarity. Flipping a coin about publishing this book is a no brainer, I want to publish it. Letting people read my Fan-Fiction? That's also a no brainer because these stories are my heart and soul. They might not be for everyone but people do read them.


This question about self-publishing or finding an actual publisher?  This is the part where I flip the coin and have no idea what I’m holding my breath for. This is the part of the process where my lady balls are shivered up in fear. I mean they’re reacting so far inside that they have now become the enlarged balls in my throat blocking all the fresh air. I’m pulling at my collar and staring out into the abyss wondering if the wolfs or raging storm will devour me whole.


This isn’t the first fork in the road and I’m positive it won’t be the last. Just hope my lady balls will recover.


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