The Sharpest Knife in My Back is My Own.

October 15, 2013

My mother always said if people are talking about you, then you’re doing something right. Good or bad this statement has shaped my way of thinking ever since I’ve heard it. Looking back at this moment in my life I don’t know if I understood the degree of truth behind that statement until now.


I’ve realized the value that people have even when they talk crap about you. Having an arch enemy or someone you simply don’t agree with all the time is not always a bad thing. As a child who has read her fair share of books and played a few video games I realize that whenever you come face to face with an enemy, it normally means that you’re heading in the right direction.


I, like many others who would never admit because they are much smarter than I am, love natural disasters. I like when bad things happen and I have learned early on that these things are what people remember and mark as moments in history. I’m not saying that if a box of newborn puppies caught on fire, I’d dress in drag and do the hula? I’m just saying we all remember September 11th, Columbine, Al Capone, and even Hitler.


These bad things happen and people react to them in a bazillion ways, but does that mean that these moment are great or horrendous? Truth is, these are horrible things/people that happen or lived to teach us great lessons. Without these things we wouldn’t have hate, fear, sympathy, bravery, or love. Without the bad things you’d never know what the good things are.


Growing up I never knew what was going to piss my mother off and I had a vague but well charted map of my father’s buttons and trigger words. I’ve realized that as a human we only thrive when we have someone to prove wrong. When we have someone to fight against to make us stronger and push us to do things we didn’t know we could.


I can’t say that I have a particular person in my life that I would dangle off a cliff like Mufasa into a herd of stampeding animals but there are certain types of people that I strongly disagree with. There are certain theories I work very hard to prove wrong and stereotypes I refuse to fall into. These are the bad things that teach me about myself, that help me concentrate on not becoming a pathological liar, raging drunk, or verbally abusive asshole.


These demons are strong ones that I fight with every day. That I grew up with and had to learn to live with. When I was on anti-depressants, there was a constant calm that I never experienced before. I wasn’t thinking about the wonders of my abilities one minute and then self-loathing the fact that I breathe the next. I wasn’t scratching at my face, holding my breath or trying to force myself to lay still at night. Having those pills was like facing a possibility of a life where things didn’t always have to get under my skin.


That’s when I started talking about it. That’s when I realized who my villains really were and I took the steps I thought were best to correcting a lot of problems in my life. The horrible moments have taught me a lot about having my greatest moments and that’s why when it comes to bad people I keep them out of my everyday life. Surviving is half the battle, forgetting is a quarter and they say that forgiving is the rest.


In the past 3 years I’ve learned that I can survive a lot more than I thought I’d be able to. I’ve also come to terms that I’ll never forget about the things that have made me who I am. When it comes to forgiving, I’ve learned that I can only forgive a little at a time. The thing a lot of this is about forgiving myself and forgiving those moment in my life when I didn’t take care of me the way I should have.


Every wise person will tell you that you have to make mistakes in life before you can learn anything of real solidarity. Or at least they should and if they haven’t I’m telling you now. Every bad thing that happens to you will eventually play a part in something good.


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