Not so Black and White

October 18, 2013

Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand but I have to believe that everything I’m going through is teaching me how to be a better person. Everyone has been through money problems. Every couple feels the weight of financial trouble, and every couple works together in their own way to overcome it. In my opinion, money is the worst thing to argue about but it happens. It’s not the first and it won’t be the last.


When bad things happen you’d be surprised about the circumstances they happen in. Despite the movies, books, songs and poetry, when things fall apart it’s normally during perfect weather. It won’t be in the middle of the night, it won’t be raining, and sometimes it happens when two people are perfectly happy. You could be on a highway driving to the next destination when your heart drops into your stomach and gets boiled in the acid.


You’re just sucked into the surreal moment when things just end. I don’t remember everything I said I can’t even remember what I was looking at, but I remember that choke hold of emotion in my throat and that hole that opened up in my chest. Had we been fighting prior to this I would have been better prepared. Had I been expecting something to this degree I would have had a lot more to say than “Just shut up.”


That’s the thing about feelings they can fuck up your argument like no one’s business. They can leave you with your mouth hanging open and your fingers holding down that pulsing nerve in your temple that decides to start pounding.


I trusted him without expectations, and I loved him without hesitation. Looking back with a more realistic hindsight I see that there were things I took for granted before this moment when everything crashed. That no proof needed sureness in my gut.


I’ve regretted a lot about life, in fact I’m almost positive that this very blog will be another one on the list of regrets I have, but a writer only has their words. I made a promise when I started this blog, I was going to be honest, and so this will be a very honest blog because it’s going to be written from a very raw and honest place.   


It wasn’t about money, like I said everyone has money problems. We would have found a way to work through it. We could have found another solution. The problem is that something very bad happened, something I don’t know if I can bounce back from or even forgive him for. He lost my trust.


I put a lot on my ability to trust him. I put a lot on my ability to say that he’s the only one I can trust. He was my person. I feel stupid that he was able to hide something so important from me and that I never bothered to question him. I feel outraged that I felt horrible for past two months and that I was struggling to make ends meet. I went to my parents for help and that was the last thing I EVER wanted to do.


I have anxiety when it comes to the idea of moving back home with my parents. To put this simply. I love them but I CAN NOT live with them. He put that in jeopardy. He took it upon himself to make a decision that effected everything we both worked for without me.


The big question I know everyone waiting for: Is it over? I’m not saying that. I maybe a lot of things but I don’t quit that easily. I love him. I’d marry him. I’d do a lot for him. Love is messy and love is complicated and nothing is ever going to be black and white no matter how much we paint it that way. I don’t feel like there is anything to say and the problem is that silence can mean so much more than noise. I don’t know how long it’s going to be before I can talk to him, face him, or even be able to stop tearing up every five minutes and looking like a crazy person at my desk.   


I’m just sitting here going through the motions while I answer e-mails and make plans to stay busy. People are coming and going, people are talking and making jokes, Friday night is on the horizon and people are anxious to get there weekend started. But I don’t see getting past today, because I have no idea what to do.

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