The weekend is over. The dust, debris and glowing ambers of the fight have settled. Now I stand face to face with him as we begin a different relationship. I’m not sure how to handle this, or even what to do about it. He lied. He hid something from me and now that the silence is broken between us. I’ve begun going through the motions of fixing the damange.
We have a plan, we’ve decided to open another bank account for paying the bills only in the hopes that nothing like this ever happens again between us. I spent a good part of the weekend opening up mail and sorting through our mess of bills. There has to be a solution somewhere, I’ve just yet to find it. Looking for a second job at the moment is my only hope to add some relief to our problem.
I still feel like an idiot and part of me feels like we're just being polite with each other for the moment. It’s like walking on eggshells. I hate it. I spent a lot of time while living with my parents walking on egg shells. I have no patience to do it in my own home. That said, last night before we difted to sleep I spoke up. I told him straight out, we won’t be 100% for a while and my trust is something you're going have to earn back with time. He was sad and he's hurt and he has some things of his own I'm sure he needs to work on.
throughout this process I’ve had so many voices in my ear about this problem. My parents, my friends, and his brother. His brother express fear that if I didn't break the ice soon we might not have the abilty to laugh about this 20 years from now because there would be no 20 years from now. Fighting is always hard because no one wants the worst to happen. Everyone begins to panic, words of hate, fear and insecurities surface and we are left to sort through it all to figure out if from this rumble, we can restart. Truth is when it comes to my boyfriend, I'd rather be fighting with him than loving anyone else.
Restarting is hard. I feel like what we have is worth it, in the words of Kevin Smith he has a million dollar heart and nickel head. My boyfriend despite what he believes about himself is a good guy who has always gone out of his way if it means I smile or laugh. He made mistake … a stupid dire mistake with money… but it’s just money and he's only 25 year old. We're still young, we're still learning. He didn’t break my heart he just kicked it in the balls and woke it up.
I love him, even if he makes me want to kill him. For his sake I hope he’s not stupid enough to think that this is the end of the argument and that he doesn’t have some serious wooing and apologies to make, because a simple I’m sorry isn’t enough. I need to be won back. I need to know that if I’m taking a step to forgive him he needs to take a step in helping me feel comfortable again.
So that’s the aftermath, at least, that’s the aftermath today.