Summer Blues

August 20, 2015

 

A hard time doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m going through.

 

I promised a long time ago that I would never lie to you guys. My lack of blog posting isn’t because I have nothing to say, it just the opposite, I have no idea where to start. 

 

So let’s just get it over with. 

 

My older sister had an incident with DCF, things got intense for a while. My mother kept reminding me of “my duty” to the family to take care of it. In my honest opinion, I believe my older sister needs re-evaluate her life style choices. I didn’t lie for anyone and after much thought I’ve decided to step away from the situation.       

 

My parents have put their house up for sale, and this journey has been the most stressful. Ideally, I agree with them. In a perfect world I would swoop in and take over the house. As the responsible child I would just take over that mortgage payment and begin paying those utility bills like they were nothing. Let’s forget about my own bills and student loan debt. Or my five year plan to buy a home of own someday.

 

I know what you’re thinking, Fuck ‘em. Anais don’t do everything your parents tell you. Well, when your mother sits you down and says “Your father and I have done everything possible to give you the life you have and you can’t even consider the possibility of doing this one thing for us?” … you feel like shit regardless.

 

And that’s how I’ve felt since May. Like shit, because I can’t save the house. Because my parents have to sell our childhood memories because I can’t step up.

 

Not to mention my little sister, who doesn’t want to move to Arizona with them, she was putting a lot of hope into the theory of me taking the house because then she could stay. I could help her, save her dog, save the day and everything would be fine.

 

Needless to say the diet has back peddled some with the amount of drinking and comfort food. It’s been a stressful summer. The third book has been delayed. I’ve only just begun the second draft. There’s been a lot of budgeting only because I’ve now been shamed into realizing that I’m not capable of affording certain things.

 

The strain to my relationship as tittered back and forth, his family doesn’t get my family. His family has their own problems and when I don’t feel like being a shoulder to cry on I’m considered rude. Let’s not even start on the jack asses who think their jokes are funny.

 

But it’s hard.

 

I honestly feel like there is no one at this point that I talk to who isn’t expecting me to have some sort of solution to their problem or advice to give.

 

And to add to it, there’s a big count down over my head to when my family leaves to an entirely different state. This will change everything. For the first time, I will be on my own. Something both my sisters have experienced that I never got to because unlike them, mom and dad have held me in freaking vice grip of death making sure that I’ve never gone far enough for them to miss me.

 

So now what? One day at a time? Deep breaths?

 

What’s a writer to do, but write about her troubles? At least I’m at a point where I feel like I can.

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